It is always difficult to initiate parting with a partner, and it is especially difficult in a situation where he or she has health problems. It seems to quit a sick person means betraying him. In fact, no matter how we want to help our loved ones, only they can cope with some problems themselves.
“All the last year I feel that I have been
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losing myself, I bet my goals. Four years ago I experienced a heavy gap with my loved one. After some time, I got a new relationship, more calm, balanced, but I did not worry the emotions that I found in the previous man. These relations were interrupted by the return of the former partner, and with lightning fast – he exhausted me with signs of attention and immediately made an offer. Now we are married for two years, but I do not feel happy. I knew that my chosen one periodically used drugs. In my insistence, he threw, and in fact, all the time of family life, he undergoes therapy against the backdrop of depression, which suddenly appeared. Everyone is controlled by his parents, and they don’t even tell me an accurate diagnosis, they said that psychosis, but how much is it, I don’t know. His parents fully provide us, my husband has always had everything since childhood, and he has no incentives for something. Our hobbies do not match. I work a lot, I go in for sports, my life is active, and it stands still. He abandoned all his friends, so as not to break and accept something, the therapy is constantly undergoing, but when we are on vacation, he always repeats that he is boring and that he does not see anything sense. One day he drank cognac, and, apparently, in combination with antipsychotics, this gave a clouding of consciousness. He carried complete nonsense, whined and complained about his life, in which, in fact, there is everything. I could not stand it and left. Now he asks to return, but I understand that it is exhausted, I do not have the strength to entertain him, invent classes and obey his parents, I was tired of looking after him and nurse. I don’t want to go back, but it’s a pity to lose the family that I wanted to build, I feel the blame that I betray a person. At the same time, I do not wish such a father to my children and I am afraid that he will return to his habits, that the promise can be broken. I’m not looking for an easy path, but now it seems that this is not my way at all, which I chose unconsciously. There is no clarity, because I got married by love and promised to be near. It turns out that the family is above personal happiness?”
Natalya Demyankova, Consultant Psychologist:
“To initiate parting with a partner is always difficult, and it is especially difficult to do this in a situation where a spouse or wife has health problems. It seems that throwing a sick person means betraying him, not fulfill his obligations to be with him not only in health, but also in illness. In fact, no matter how we want to help our loved ones, only they can cope with some problems themselves. This is exactly what happens in your situation: your husband is fighting dependence on drugs and depression, and your help could consist only in emotional and moral support – which you did. You cannot do the rest of the internal work for him – this is his task. According to your story, it seems that your husband does not have a desire to really overcome your illness. Treatment is not due to its volitional effort, but because of the insanity and constant control of parents. But no therapy will help if a person does not really invest in work.
Naturally, it is very difficult for you in such a relationship: you see that your husband does not change, you are exhausted from constant attempts to at least somehow pull him out of constant depression. There is a limit of forces that a person can spend to help another person. It seems to me that you should not share the concepts of family and personal happiness, decide which is more important of them. In fact, the family should not make a person unhappy and drive in unbearable conditions. Family is just one of the components of personal happiness. And the desire to save the family at all costs for reasons of duty very often does not lead to good results. For example, is the preservation of a family is really more important than personal happiness in situations where the husband is rudely treating his wife or children?
You write that you are “sorry to lose your family” that you “wanted to build” – that is, you are afraid to lose what you and your husband do not have yet, you are sorry to lose the possibility of creating a full -fledged family – but opportunities in the possibilities inour world is a lot. It seems to me that you need to be distracted from thoughts of duty and think about the real prospects of your marriage. In your opinion, will your husband really can cope with his problems? Will he be able to get out of the guardianship of his parents? Are you ready to spend your hand and time on it? What do you eventually get in this relationship – or you just give? Whatever decision you make, I wish you stamina and gaining yourself “.
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